tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30998632023-11-15T09:36:58.686-05:00Let's Get Milk-FacedThis is MY spithouse! Even if it IS a messy-mess!Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comBlogger103125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1076987066019339802004-02-16T22:04:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.544-04:00Check out the subject of this email I received from Tyson Dickey:
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<br /><strong>discounted health coverage for your entire family agnomen almaden attention pact cot concoct crossbow emilio spicebush method ho bawdy belate davenport rebuttal discovery berman broccoli leeuwenhoek monsoon vocalic choice domineer shipley curvature major attestation</strong>
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<br />The text is even more ridiculous. I have HTML turned off in my email client, so this will be the first time I see this message the way it was "intended":
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<br />t hollow parvenu bel barrett cindy=20
<br />efficacious quito rotogravure cancelled path claire sharecrop lagrange la=
<br />bel hollingsworth aesthete pursuant alkaloid mullion smokestack modesty by=
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<br />rame breastplate absinthe bypath dissuade bruce chorine quart dextrous gad=
<br />fly vasquez practitioner croydon=20 coffer neutrino goblet camino crisscro=
<br />ss contend plaguey greensboro shutoff stabile creamy recruit constituent v=
<br />oice inhabitant officious cancerous omnibus shipman ares leapt hygroscopic=
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<br />i tao bethel antigone carnival jew bakelite occurrent annapolis prevent kw=
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<br />ychobiology=20</font>
<br />
<br /> oh, for the love of God.... WHY did they have to use light cyan, of ALL the freaking colors in the world.... asses.Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1075922284929504312004-02-04T14:18:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.617-04:00<h3><a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2004/02/04/notes020404.DTL&nl=fix">Daddy, why does that f--- politician hate women's breasts? Because he's a s-- and a hypocrite, honey</a></h3>
<br />
<br />Mark Morford always seems to say what I'm thinking....Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1073524388479257282004-01-07T20:13:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.621-04:00<a href="http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=519&ncid=519&e=10&u=/ap/20040107/ap_on_re_us/pri_gay_and_gray">Retirement Complex for Gays to Open</a>
<br />
<br />This is just so fucking great. I never ever thought of the fact that many of our elderly brothers and sisters don't have any children to take care of them. This is the best idea ever! It's shit like this that makes me proud to be an American, or something.Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1073429097846396072004-01-06T17:44:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.625-04:00<b>The Spamperor's New Clothes</b>
<br />
<br />Apparently some of the spammers got a strange new bot that inexplicably uses dictionary words to generate their "names". Here are some luscious gems culled from my husband's inbox:
<br />
<br />Headlining F. Herman
<br />Dud M. Transylvania
<br />Underwrite Q. Guarantees
<br />Songster S. Composts
<br />Consort U. Wicker
<br />Vixenish U. Overlays
<br />Xerography K. Marketplaces
<br />Boltzmann I. Wayward
<br />Transported D. Attempt
<br />Slow P. Photocopy
<br />Irrelevancy R. Stirs
<br />Communions A. Appointee
<br />McFadden I. Retrogressive
<br />Chomped S. Delaney
<br />Franking C. Colonizer
<br />Tonnage V. Stubbier
<br />Weathering E. Liquidizing
<br />Waterfowl R. Adoration
<br />Dogtrots Q. Indorse
<br />
<br />Believe me. I couldn't make these up if I wanted to.
<br />Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1071292885296804402003-12-13T00:21:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.628-04:00<center><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/102-7889129-6930519"><img src="http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000DG5UJ.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg"></a></center>
<br />
<br />I just have to say...... hee!Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1070594910867371082003-12-04T22:28:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.632-04:00<b>Zevon, Harrison, Cashes Among <a href="http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/nm/20031205/en_nm/leisure_grammys_dead_dc&e=4&ncid=762">Dead Grammy</a> Nominees </b>
<br />
<br />When I first read that headline, I seriously thought the Dead Grammies was a new awards show. Can you blame me?
<br />
<br />And judging from this year's crop of <a href="http://www.grammy.com/awards/grammy/46noms.aspx">living Grammy nominees</a>, the Dead Grammies would probably be more exciting to watch. A little Marvin Gaye, anyone?
<br />
<br /><i>Edited to add:</i> Fountains of Wayne? BEST NEW ARTIST? That's funny, considering the album I have in my hand came out in, uhh, <strong>1996</strong>...
<br />
<br />And also: Miss Independent for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance? Have the Grammy people never HEARD that song?? It's worse than whale shrieking.
<br />
<br />And also: Randy Newman *snigger*
<br />
<br />Michelle Branch is a Rock Vocal Performance? Anyone ever heard of Joan Jett?? Or Sleater Kinney?
<br />
<br />Did Luther Vandross ever wake up from that coma? Or is he up for a Dead Grammy as well?
<br />
<br /><em>won't somebody testify, kick a hole right in the sky </em>
<br />
<br />My head hurts.
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1070514401823502502003-12-04T00:06:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.635-04:00<center><a href="http://www.lawforkids.org"><img src="http://sweet201.net/whassupmikee.gif"></a></center>
<br />
<br />You must check out LawForKids.org. They have such a good message! Here's what I get out of this comic:
<br />
<br />M.P. is a cool Puerto Rican. Or maybe he's Mexican, it's hard to tell without looking in his drawz. Anyway. Mikeee is a faggy little weenis boy who tricks M.P. into showing him the bag. Five years later, Mikeee looks like Clay Aiken pounding a pointer on a pie chart, and M.P. has a really cool goatee.
<br />
<br />Fin.Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1069134401454350542003-11-18T00:46:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.638-04:00Have you seen those commercials for Focus Factor? ("They let ya try it for FREE? It must be GOOD!") It's basically, like, herbal ritalin, or claims to be. Anyway. I am appalled by the hideous ugliness of the dude in the ads - I guess he's the spokesman, or the president of the company, or the head ass monkey, or something. He has the biggest jowls and the worst mini-mullet I've ever seen on a non-Ohesian:
<br />
<br /><center><img src="http://www.freefocusfactor.com/images/Video1_02.jpg"></center>
<br />
<br />I rest my case.Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1068613842585208062003-11-12T00:10:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.641-04:00The other day, a guy at my husband's job got pissed off at a co-worker and threw away all of the magazines he had left lying around. One of them happened to belong to my husband (to ME, actually, but that's another column for another day), so he grabbed it out of the trash. He also grabbed a Playboy that was in there, because hey, free Playboy!
<br />
<br />So inside, we found some stupid story, in which there were a lot of references to a woman's anus. But they didn't say "anus", of course; it was "bung" this and "dirt hole" that.
<br />
<br />1. Who in the fuck would ever say "Oh baby, finger my dirt hole"?
<br />
<br />2. "Ass" sounds a lot hotter
<br />
<br />3. If my back door is my "dirt hole", is the front one my "fish hole"? My "baby hole"? My "rag bag"?
<br />
<br />I issue my readership a challenge. Let's think of more stupid euphemisms for bodily orifices!
<br />
<br />Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1068606904403091912003-11-11T22:15:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.644-04:00TheWordIsSoda: hello
<br />sweet201x: hello
<br />TheWordIsSoda: allow me to introduce myself
<br />TheWordIsSoda: my name is timmy and i just saw you on OUC
<br />TheWordIsSoda: now i notice that your profile says that you read non fiction
<br />sweet201x: yes, timmy, that is correct
<br />TheWordIsSoda: does that mean poetry?
<br />sweet201x: hmmm...... i think poetry is considered literature.
<br />TheWordIsSoda: true but some poetry is autobiographocal so i would consider it non fiction
<br />TheWordIsSoda: what do you think?>
<br />sweet201x: perhaps; although by nonfiction i meant more academic writings
<br />TheWordIsSoda: very good
<br />sweet201x: indeed.
<br />sweet201x: hello?
<br />TheWordIsSoda: hi
<br />sweet201x: hi
<br />sweet201x: did you want to talk about anything else?
<br />TheWordIsSoda: not really
<br />sweet201x: umm, okay. thanks for soliciting my opinion about the literary categorization of poetry, though.Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1068004026268345172003-11-04T22:47:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.647-04:00<center><a href="http://www.utilikilts.com/Tuxedo.htm"><img src="http://www.utilikilts.com/Tuxedo3/realspread.jpg"></a></center>
<br /><center>Is it wrong that I think <a href="http://www.utilikilts.com">this site</a> is totally hott? Boys in kilts are luscious.</center>
<br /><center><img src="http://www.getduffed.com/willie/grabpics/willie7.gif"></center><br><br>Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1067906771763506752003-11-03T19:46:00.000-05:002010-03-30T00:28:00.650-04:00<br><center><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00006IGSZ/qid=1067899634/br=1-2/ref=br_lf_tar_2//002-6908597-6120017?v=glance&s=merchant&n=3034271&m=A1VC38T7YXB528"><img src="http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00006IGSZ.01-A23NLORBGXOLEO.MZZZZZZZ.jpg" alt="Go Maccabee Go!"></a></center><br>
<br /><center>Oy vey. Who invited Maxi??</center><br>Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1066776659442817592003-10-21T18:50:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.654-04:00DerekVegas: may I ask where you are?
<br />sweet201x: ohio
<br />DerekVegas: cool
<br />DerekVegas: well
<br />DerekVegas: honestly
<br />DerekVegas: not cool
<br />DerekVegas: haha
<br />DerekVegas: but you know
<br />sweet201x: sure
<br />DerekVegas: are you in Chicago?
<br />sweet201x: are you joking? lol
<br />DerekVegas: I am just not a fan of Ohio at all
<br />DerekVegas: though Cincinnati was kinda cool
<br />sweet201x: look up, i think you made a typo
<br />DerekVegas: one too many n's?
<br />sweet201x: up higher
<br />
<br />............................................................................
<br />
<br />sweet201x: why are you not a fan of ohio? what did ohio ever do to you?
<br />DerekVegas: made me drive through it 4 times
<br />DerekVegas: it is flat and there is nothing
<br />sweet201x: don't hate us because we're big and open
<br />sweet201x: ha, ever been to wyoming?
<br />DerekVegas: yes
<br />DerekVegas: now I liked wyoming a lot
<br />sweet201x: lol
<br />DerekVegas: wait are the badlands in wyoming?
<br />sweet201x: i think they're in chicago
<br />Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1066769572050326602003-10-21T16:52:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.658-04:00It's so difficult not to be a misanthrope these days.
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<br />I have been posting off and on at a "Bargain Hunting Tips For Parents" message board located at a popular baby/parenting website. I will not list it here, but it is fairly easy to find if you care to. Now, some of the other boards on this site are known for their contentious members, but you would think that a community whose main topics include "great sale at Gap today" would have little chance of becoming so volatile.
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<br />In the past few months, I have seen posts bashing: Poor people. Rich people. Stay at home moms. Working moms. Public schooling. Home schooling. People who don't understand eBay. People who buy diapers on eBay. Doll collectors. People who ask to borrow things. People who lend things out and then expect them to be returned. People who "just go out and buy whatever they want". People who "will only buy something if it's on sale". Professional photographers who don't want their work illegally copied. Wal-mart, because their pictures don't look nice even though they are cheap. The Picture People, because their pictures are too expensive, even though they look very nice. Domestic cars. Foreign cars. People with white-collar jobs. People with blue-collar jobs. People with children. (WTF?!) People without children. People with MANY children. People with only one child. And on, and on, and on.
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<br />You know, I REALLLLLY want those coupon codes, but checking this damn message board is sort of making me want to kick people in the head. And reminding me that 99% of women are total stupid fucking bitches 99% of the time. For a split second, I considered checking out a dad message board, until I remembered that 99% of men are assholes 99% of the time. Which begs, then, a question:
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<br />Why not genocide?
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<br />
<br />Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1066701862291433882003-10-20T22:04:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.661-04:00These are two of the funniest websites I have ever visited. I've been reading them all day:
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<br /><a href="http://rinkworks.com/stupid/">Computer Stupidities</a>
<br />
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<br /><a href="http://rinkworks.com/said/">Things People Said</a>
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<br />*sigh* people, people, people.....Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1066029355985598162003-10-13T03:15:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.664-04:00Now open: <a href="http://www.cafeshops.com/milkfaced">The Let's Get Milk-Faced online store.</a> New products added often! Faster, Pussycat! <a href="http://www.cafeshops.com/milkfaced.8043463" title="booby logo trucker hat">Buy!</a> <a href="http://www.cafeshops.com/milkfaced.8043670" title="spilled milk logo thong">Buy!</a>Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1065074170051232722003-10-02T01:56:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.667-04:00What, you're too busy to bother leaving a comment? You have made Morrissey very, very angry.
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<br /><center><img src="http://sweet201.net/shamingmorrissey.jpg" alt="The Shaming Morrissey says, 'Shame on you. For shame!'"></center>
<br />Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1065056050862515812003-10-01T20:54:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.670-04:00<center><img src="http://sweet201.net/heavenlykemps.jpg" alt="Kemp's All Natural Vanilla: Food Of The Gods"></center>
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<br /><a href="http://www.kemps.com">Kemp's All Natural Vanilla Ice Cream</a> is so yummily delicious. It has this really light, pure taste and texture - a lot like frozen custard (aka "soft-serve"), but with those delightful little vanilla-bean fragments in it. I cannot believe that I had never even heard of it before last Sunday. God damn stupid Ohio and its icky Toft's monopoly.
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<br /><center><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0000CABFR/qid=1065055028/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/103-4522007-6429461?v=glance&s=music&n=507846"><img src="http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000CABFR.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg" alt="Buy me"></a></center>
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<br />And while we're plugging product, the brand new <a href="http://www.thefiretheft.com">Fire Theft </a>album rocks So. Much. Fucking. Ass. So you should totally buy it. Although I'm generally opposed to the Evil Amazon Empire, which gobbled up ALL of my favorite (read: CHEAPER) music store sites, it's 49 cents cheaper there than it is at <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com">barnesandnoble.com</a>, and <a href="http://www.walmart.com ">walmart.com </a>(my new favorite place to buy music) doesn't have it. <a href="http://www.thefiretheft.com/images/pics/willjernate.jpg">Will, Nate and Jeremy</a> all deserve your hard earned money, so don't ask me to burn it for you either. Because that would be stealing.Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1065040378353774392003-10-01T16:32:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.673-04:00Truly the fates smile upon me today.
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<br />Yesterday I cursed myself for deleting this GREAT penis enlargement ad from my email without saving the accompanying picture. I nearly cried with glee this morning when I found it in my inbox, again!
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<br /><center><img src="http://sweet201.net/michaelsfuller.jpg" alt="It's a man, baby! Yeah!"></center>
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<br />And that, Don Labia, is what is so great about penis enlargement spam.
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<br />P.S. With hips like that, Michael would need to be hung like an eggplant to satisfy Jennifer.Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1064984464863857882003-10-01T01:01:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.677-04:00Every time I check my email, it seems like I'm accosted by the same two god damned banner ads. And because I want you all to share in my <strike>pain</strike> <strong>joy</strong>, I present them here, with a few minor modifications.
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<br /><center><img src="http://sweet201.net/stupidbannermatch.gif" alt="Can't get a date? Neither can he!"></center>
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<br />Yes, that truly is an ad for <a href="http://www.match.com">Match.com</a>. I disabled the "go" button, but look, I linked you anyway. See what a nice girl I am? That blue space on the bottom was filled with a bunch of drop-down menus before, but I think my version is much better. And doesn't that guy look like his name is Chet? Because that's what you'd call it if <a href="http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0139239/Ss/0139239/10?path=gallery&path_key=0139239" title-"Bailey! NOOO! *squealingtiresbreakingglass*">Scott Wolf</a> and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005143/" title="Even the Queer Eyes couldn't make him attractive">Jay Leno</a> had a turd baby.
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<br /><center><img src="http://sweet201.net/stupidbannervigel.gif" alt="Perhaps I should have written, Don't CLIT this. HAHAHAHAHA"></center>
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<br />WOO! Women have Vigel!! I assume that's Vye-Jel, though it looks like "vigg-ul" to this native English speaker. First of all, if that chick's face was any more flat, it'd be <a href="http://us.imdb.com/gallery/granitz/1097/Events/1097/wi20010310_DebraMessing_Vespa_156016.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Messing,%20Debra" title="Now you see it... oh wait. No you don't.">Debra Messing's chest</a>. Secondly, why are they using a sexually attractive young woman in this ad, anyway? Wouldn't that make more sense in an ad targeted to men, a la "Get this hot girl NOW!"? Or are we supposed to believe that either [A] 22 year old chicks need this stuff or [B] you will FEEL like a 22 year old chick while using it? I scoff at this logic. Most women my age (according to the media, whom I wholeheartedly believe 100% of the time) actually have negative feelings toward advertising that uses "prettier than you, therefore better than you" girls to sell shit. Maybe that's why this ad intrigues me so much, though I like to think it's just my background in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0312397852/qid=1064985088/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-4522007-6429461?v=glance&s=books" title="If Andy Kurtz teaches it, it's gotta be good.">semiotics</a> that fuels me. Anyway... I admit it. I had to see *what* exactly this Vigel was, so I clicked. I believe the URL it took me to was <a href="http://www.femaleadvantage.com" title="OOO! I could USE an advantage!">FemaleAdvantage.com</a>, and it turns out that Vigel is a topical <em>gel</em> (why am I not surprised?) whose main ingredient appears to be.... <a href="http://sweet201.net/candy_anim.gif" title="Another round of clitty hard-ons for everyone!!">PEPPERMINT</a>. Though I can see why this might sound like a good idea (think IcyHot), there is no way in HELL I will ever be putting peppermint on my nether regions (think IcyHot in your eye.) Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1064956013960723332003-09-30T17:06:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.680-04:00<strong>Date: Sat, 27 Sep 2003 10:47:02 GMT
<br />From: $FIRSTNAME $LASTNAME [bluestellbo@aol.com]
<br />[ Add to Address Book | Block Address | Report as Spam ]
<br />To: [tinabean@herveryownlittleemailaddy.hee]
<br />Subject: $RANDOMIZE </strong>
<br />
<br />I like how the spammers aren't even *trying* to make their emails look legit anymore. Or maybe they just don't have the time to learn to program. Idiots. And yes, apparently <strong>bluestellbo@aol.com</strong> is a Career Mass Emailer. Tell all your friends!!
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<br />P.S. It wasn't even one of those good "Penis Enlargement" ads. Just a stupid weight loss thing. :(Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1064801704464190622003-09-28T22:15:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.684-04:00This evening, <a href="http://sweet201.net/johnspikey2.jpg">Mr. TinaBean</a> and I picked up an <strong>assload</strong> of <a href="http://www.soupathand.com/index.asp">Campbell's Soup At Hand</a> at our friendly local supermarket. This stuff is our new food obsession, and let me tell you, I could not feel more pathetic because of this. Why, you may ask?
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<br />Let's begin by explaining just exactly what this stuff is. Soup At Hand is the name the marketing geniuses at Campbell's decided to bestow upon its new microwavable, juice-glass-sized cup of ready-to-eat "soup". Note that "soup" is in quotation marks because, like most of Campbell's ready-to-eat soups (the kind you don't have to add water or milk to), this stuff is thicker than gravy. Even the brothy, non-cream varieties. You don't have to mix it up. You don't have to pour it in a bowl. You don't even have to STIR this stuff, really. Just heat.... and eat.
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<br />The advertising campaign for Soup At Hand appears to be geared to the soccer-mom type - in the commercials, we see sensibly-dressed thirtysomething women chugging this swill as they herd their broods into Ford Windstars. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that the majority of us who are purchasing this stuff are not "Always on the go" with "No time to eat right", as the website proclaims. ("No time to eat right?" Are they saying this stuff's not GOOD for me? Unbelievable!) Most likely, it is me and a bunch of 300-pound Usenet slobs who are too lazy to even use a fucking can opener or wash a bowl. (No offense, ScullyLicker355.) (Also, for the record, I feel that I must add that I am a svelte 130 pounds at the time of this writing. And no, I am NOT four foot six, thank you very much.) For this reason, a better name might be "Lazy Ass Lunch". Oooh! Or "Campbell's Gravy Chug!"
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<br />So anyway. This is what you do with Campbell's Soup At Hand: Shake. Pop top. Nuke. Cap. DRINK. No more flatware calisthenics for me! From now on, I'll just imbibe my gravy with a straw.
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<br /><em>*Note: If you'd like to achieve this ultimate level of laziness as well, here's a quick shopping guide!
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<br />I like: Chicken and Stars, Creamy Chicken, Chicken With Mini-Noodles (see a trend?)
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<br />Mr. TinaBean likes: Creamy Tomato, Velvety Potato, New England Clam Chowdah
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<br />Eh: Classic Tomato
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<br />Tastes Like Burning: Mexican Style Fiesta. Actually, it tastes like drinking Spaghettios. So <a href="http://dynamitediva.blogspot.com">Gwen</a> might like it, I suppose.</em>Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1064123578572684042003-09-21T01:52:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.689-04:00Aaaaaaaand we're back.
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<br />So here's a great little anecdote: Tonight I found a 7" <a href="http://www.barsuk.com/web.cgi?dcfc&dcfcnews" title="one guitar and a whole lotta complaining">Death Cab</a> import <em>on the clearance rack!</em> at Hot Topic. That's like gold, people. Anyway. When we walked into Waldenbooks, it set off the alarm. The chick behind the counter didn't even flinch, as she was apparently trying to add 2 and 2 in the nightly ledger at the back counter. John was like, "Hey, 'scuse me... I think my record set the alarm off."
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<br />Chick: "Oh, it's okay."
<br />John: "Well, could you demagnetize it? I don't want it to do that in every store I go into."
<br />Chick: *blank look*
<br />Chick: "Uhhhhhhmmmm..... I....... *points to little security thing* it's that thing right there... you can just take it off."
<br />John: "I was hoping you could just swipe it across the thing..."
<br />Chick: "Well, see, the thing is, I DON'T WANT IT TO ERASE THE RECORD."
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<br />What. The. Fuck. Just........... Jesus. I didn't even know they CAME that stupid. Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1058836669015754732003-07-21T21:17:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.693-04:00Milk-Faced is on hiatus. Click on the links to your left for some fine mid-season replacements.Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3099863.post-1055808535110207582003-06-16T20:08:00.000-04:002010-03-30T00:28:00.697-04:00I am so fucking hot and sick.
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<br />I usually try not to post my sad-sack rants or reveal the true depths of my instability here. But man, do I feel like shit. My kid is screaming in his bedroom but <em>it's time to go to bed, god dammit.</em> I am completely intolerant to heat anyway, but when I'm pregnant and puking things are about six times worse. My weight has dipped below 140 for the first time in over a year. Usually I'd be thrilled about this, especially considering that mid-April saw me heading for 160 at lightning speed. Unfortunately, I'm trying really hard to keep another human being alive in there. I still look fat, too, except for the fact that my hip area is concave compared to the rest of me. Supposedly you lose weight there last of all (anorexics keep starving themselves due to the "big hips", and when the last of the fat melts from the area, they die), but I seem to lose weight in this order: hips, ass, face (all at once), then back and thighs, then arms, then boobs, THEN tummy. So of course my new doctor wasn't going to be concerned. He was just like, this should be over in a few weeks. I HAVE PROBABLY KEPT DOWN NO MORE THAN 32 OUNCES OF FOOD IN THE PAST TWELVE WEEKS. Is anyone concerned about this? My dad whined balls yesterday because I didn't come see him on Father's Day. It didn't matter that I spent the day with my head alternately in the toilet and on a pillow. No no. NOBODY APPRECIATED HIM ON FATHER'S DAY. Waaaah waaaaah. You can tell from this that he's certainly the kind of guy who DESERVES appreciation, right? I'm just so sick of people. It's such a load that people "care" for me. They don't. They don't! With the exception of my husband (and my in-laws, who don't really give a shit one way or the other, but are kind to me for their son's sake, and so they can see their grandkids, and probably so they won't go to hell when they die), there is no one in my real, tangible, day to day life who really gives a shit about me. It's all about what I can DO for them. My mom can't watch my kid for two hours in a real emergency situation, but I'm supposed to drop everything to babysit my brother (who, if he was parented correctly in the first place, wouldn't need a babysitter at 14) when she suddenly HAS to go help one of her biker friends. My dad doesn't want to call or visit me, but he gets all bitchy when *I* don't call or visit him. Hell, even my own toddler only hugs me so he can take the cookie from my hand. Which is okay cause I'd probably just puke it up anyway if I ate it.
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<br />i've been spending at least 6 hours of every day caring for a very small, needy, careless, hapless person when it's a serious effort for me to get out of my bed, or get across a room. I need a mommy of my own. I need someone to make me some damn food when I know that I need some, but if I get out of bed I'm going to ralph all over the place before I pass out facedown on the stovetop. I also need a fucking baby gate that's not from the 1980's, or a lot of money so I can carpet the stairs so it doesn't hurt so badly when Tristan falls down them. (A lot of money because in order to carpet the stairs, we have to carpet the upstairs of our house, too. Right now it's all plywood, particle board and poorly pounded nails.) It would also be nice if we could turn on the damn central air, but it's only in half of the house, so we have to wait until we put the window a/c in the front, which we did not do this weekend. And a babysitter. A reliable one who isn't a fucking redneck piece of shit or a kid-hitter or a lets-their-kid-hit-other-kids-er. So that I can fucking get better.Tina Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02148470854145908789noreply@blogger.com