my nervous habits

1. I bite the skin on my fingers. Constantly. You could be sitting there in the parlor, trying to have a civilized conversation with me, and I'm going at my pointer like it's corn-on-the-cob. And I don't just nibble. There are calluses where my cuticles should be. It's gross.



2. I scratch at my head. This is gross, too. Especially right now, because it's winter and my scalp is dry and crusty. All day I catch myself knuckle-deep in ponytail, digging like hell at some imagined itch or bump or scale or flake or demon. I even smell my fingers afterward. How else will I know when it's time to shampoo?



3. I bite my lip. Once again, obsessively. I chaw and chew until there are gaping gashes in my soft kissy-flesh. My lips get so dry and crusty that my Lip Smackers run and hide.



4. I tap my feet/ bounce my legs/ wiggle my toes. More than one at the same time, even. I do this when I'm sitting at the computer, watching television, laying in bed, anywhere. I try not to do it at job interviews, though. Although they usually turn me away when they see my fingers anyway.



5. I click my teeth together so that they play a song. This one really bothers me, because if I do it very much I end up with a headache. I'll be sitting here typing away when all of the sudden I realize I'm playing Seven Mary Three with my incisors.



6. I rub my eyebrows backwards. You know, kind of like when you pet a dog the wrong way so his hair stands up on end. I *used* to groom both eyebrows simultaneously - imagine you're pulling your hair behind your ears, but do it with your brows instead - so I actually consider this an improvement. I only pet one brow at a time.



7. I pull my hair into an upsweep, then let it fall again. This might sound kind of minor, but watch someone do it 300 times in a row and THEN tell me how you feel about it.



8. I pick at zits and scabs. I realize that this, too, is utterly disgusting. But I just can't stop. If there is anything on my body that shouldn't be there, I must eradicate it at any cost. Except, of course, for my bearlike leg hair. That doesn't bother me in the least.



9. I play with my jewelry. Diamonds ARE a girl's best friend, after all. Who doesn't like to watch them sparkle, right? Okay, so that isn't so bad.... but I'm just getting you warmed up for the worst one:



10. I rub my genital area with the back of my thumb. Yes, that's right. Laugh all you want, I'm a compulsive masturbator. Well, not REALLY, but when I'm sitting here in my computer chair, my hand falls delicately into my lap. I don't even mean for it to happen, but it's kind of like being three years old and rocking back and forth on the floor while you're watching the Flintstones... it just feels right.



So there you go. Ten reasons why none of you will ever, ever speak to me again.