I am so fucking hot and sick.

I usually try not to post my sad-sack rants or reveal the true depths of my instability here. But man, do I feel like shit. My kid is screaming in his bedroom but it's time to go to bed, god dammit. I am completely intolerant to heat anyway, but when I'm pregnant and puking things are about six times worse. My weight has dipped below 140 for the first time in over a year. Usually I'd be thrilled about this, especially considering that mid-April saw me heading for 160 at lightning speed. Unfortunately, I'm trying really hard to keep another human being alive in there. I still look fat, too, except for the fact that my hip area is concave compared to the rest of me. Supposedly you lose weight there last of all (anorexics keep starving themselves due to the "big hips", and when the last of the fat melts from the area, they die), but I seem to lose weight in this order: hips, ass, face (all at once), then back and thighs, then arms, then boobs, THEN tummy. So of course my new doctor wasn't going to be concerned. He was just like, this should be over in a few weeks. I HAVE PROBABLY KEPT DOWN NO MORE THAN 32 OUNCES OF FOOD IN THE PAST TWELVE WEEKS. Is anyone concerned about this? My dad whined balls yesterday because I didn't come see him on Father's Day. It didn't matter that I spent the day with my head alternately in the toilet and on a pillow. No no. NOBODY APPRECIATED HIM ON FATHER'S DAY. Waaaah waaaaah. You can tell from this that he's certainly the kind of guy who DESERVES appreciation, right? I'm just so sick of people. It's such a load that people "care" for me. They don't. They don't! With the exception of my husband (and my in-laws, who don't really give a shit one way or the other, but are kind to me for their son's sake, and so they can see their grandkids, and probably so they won't go to hell when they die), there is no one in my real, tangible, day to day life who really gives a shit about me. It's all about what I can DO for them. My mom can't watch my kid for two hours in a real emergency situation, but I'm supposed to drop everything to babysit my brother (who, if he was parented correctly in the first place, wouldn't need a babysitter at 14) when she suddenly HAS to go help one of her biker friends. My dad doesn't want to call or visit me, but he gets all bitchy when *I* don't call or visit him. Hell, even my own toddler only hugs me so he can take the cookie from my hand. Which is okay cause I'd probably just puke it up anyway if I ate it.

i've been spending at least 6 hours of every day caring for a very small, needy, careless, hapless person when it's a serious effort for me to get out of my bed, or get across a room. I need a mommy of my own. I need someone to make me some damn food when I know that I need some, but if I get out of bed I'm going to ralph all over the place before I pass out facedown on the stovetop. I also need a fucking baby gate that's not from the 1980's, or a lot of money so I can carpet the stairs so it doesn't hurt so badly when Tristan falls down them. (A lot of money because in order to carpet the stairs, we have to carpet the upstairs of our house, too. Right now it's all plywood, particle board and poorly pounded nails.) It would also be nice if we could turn on the damn central air, but it's only in half of the house, so we have to wait until we put the window a/c in the front, which we did not do this weekend. And a babysitter. A reliable one who isn't a fucking redneck piece of shit or a kid-hitter or a lets-their-kid-hit-other-kids-er. So that I can fucking get better.