Date: Sat, 27 Sep 2003 10:47:02 GMT
From: $FIRSTNAME $LASTNAME [bluestellbo@aol.com]
[ Add to Address Book | Block Address | Report as Spam ]
To: [tinabean@herveryownlittleemailaddy.hee]
Subject: $RANDOMIZE

I like how the spammers aren't even *trying* to make their emails look legit anymore. Or maybe they just don't have the time to learn to program. Idiots. And yes, apparently bluestellbo@aol.com is a Career Mass Emailer. Tell all your friends!!

P.S. It wasn't even one of those good "Penis Enlargement" ads. Just a stupid weight loss thing. :(

This evening, Mr. TinaBean and I picked up an assload of Campbell's Soup At Hand at our friendly local supermarket. This stuff is our new food obsession, and let me tell you, I could not feel more pathetic because of this. Why, you may ask?

Let's begin by explaining just exactly what this stuff is. Soup At Hand is the name the marketing geniuses at Campbell's decided to bestow upon its new microwavable, juice-glass-sized cup of ready-to-eat "soup". Note that "soup" is in quotation marks because, like most of Campbell's ready-to-eat soups (the kind you don't have to add water or milk to), this stuff is thicker than gravy. Even the brothy, non-cream varieties. You don't have to mix it up. You don't have to pour it in a bowl. You don't even have to STIR this stuff, really. Just heat.... and eat.

The advertising campaign for Soup At Hand appears to be geared to the soccer-mom type - in the commercials, we see sensibly-dressed thirtysomething women chugging this swill as they herd their broods into Ford Windstars. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that the majority of us who are purchasing this stuff are not "Always on the go" with "No time to eat right", as the website proclaims. ("No time to eat right?" Are they saying this stuff's not GOOD for me? Unbelievable!) Most likely, it is me and a bunch of 300-pound Usenet slobs who are too lazy to even use a fucking can opener or wash a bowl. (No offense, ScullyLicker355.) (Also, for the record, I feel that I must add that I am a svelte 130 pounds at the time of this writing. And no, I am NOT four foot six, thank you very much.) For this reason, a better name might be "Lazy Ass Lunch". Oooh! Or "Campbell's Gravy Chug!"

So anyway. This is what you do with Campbell's Soup At Hand: Shake. Pop top. Nuke. Cap. DRINK. No more flatware calisthenics for me! From now on, I'll just imbibe my gravy with a straw.

*Note: If you'd like to achieve this ultimate level of laziness as well, here's a quick shopping guide!

I like: Chicken and Stars, Creamy Chicken, Chicken With Mini-Noodles (see a trend?)

Mr. TinaBean likes: Creamy Tomato, Velvety Potato, New England Clam Chowdah

Eh: Classic Tomato

Tastes Like Burning: Mexican Style Fiesta. Actually, it tastes like drinking Spaghettios. So Gwen might like it, I suppose.

Aaaaaaaand we're back.

So here's a great little anecdote: Tonight I found a 7" Death Cab import on the clearance rack! at Hot Topic. That's like gold, people. Anyway. When we walked into Waldenbooks, it set off the alarm. The chick behind the counter didn't even flinch, as she was apparently trying to add 2 and 2 in the nightly ledger at the back counter. John was like, "Hey, 'scuse me... I think my record set the alarm off."

Chick: "Oh, it's okay."
John: "Well, could you demagnetize it? I don't want it to do that in every store I go into."
Chick: *blank look*
Chick: "Uhhhhhhmmmm..... I....... *points to little security thing* it's that thing right there... you can just take it off."
John: "I was hoping you could just swipe it across the thing..."
Chick: "Well, see, the thing is, I DON'T WANT IT TO ERASE THE RECORD."

What. The. Fuck. Just........... Jesus. I didn't even know they CAME that stupid.