mmm mmm good

Bake the cookies? Eat the dough. No, bake the cookies. Wait... eat the dough?


And so goes the dilemma of millions of Americans. Who can ever decide on the best method for conquering one of those delectable rolls of refrigerated cookie dough? They're only big enough to do one or the other - if you eat just a few raw spoonfuls, there isn't enough left over for more than a dozen baked treats, which leads many a husband to ask, "What happened to all the cookies?" (To which the correct reply is, undoubtedly, "Jesus, John, how many did you eat? I told you not to take the whole container in there while you were watching Deuce Bigalow. And just how many beers have you had, anyway?!") Well, I am happy to announce that we can fret no more. There's a new dough in town, and I think you're gonna like it.


One of our favorite songs around here is "Mabel" by the SoCal punk band Goldfinger. It has a lyric that goes a little like this:


then on Tuesday, Mabel left me
I heard she's goin' out with Charlie
She saw his package, from what I know she said:
"THAT LOOKS LIKE A TUBE OF COOKIE DOUGH!"


Well, let me tell you, if I met a guy who was hung like Pillsbury Family Size Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, I would run screaming in the other direction. This roll is SO BIG!!! Remember the scene in Pump Up The Volume where Christian Slater asks the girl, "Is it bigger than a baby's arm?" Well, this mofo is bigger than the whole damn baby. Here is an artist's representation of just how much dough you get in a tube of Pillsbury Family Size:





There is enough cookie dough here (TWO WHOLE POUNDS!!) to feed a family of Ethiopians for a whole month. Or, you can screw the starving bastards - after all, THEY'RE the ones who are dumb enough to keep making AIDS babies every time the flies eat the last one - and do like I do: One for me, one for the oven. Two for me, one for the oven. God, I love America.



**NOTE: Though Pillsbury clearly states that they do NOT recommend eating any raw cookie dough, they also divulge that their packaged doughs are made with dry, pasteurized eggs, which EVERY dough connoisseur knows were created specifically for raw-dough deliciousness. Besides, the shit keeps in the fridge for AT LEAST three months - I'm sure all those preservatives are keeping the E. Coli at bay.