my first orgasm

Well, THAT certainly got your attention, didn't it? Today, I want to talk about my first orgasm. I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, you see.


I won't mention how old I was when this all took place, as I am certain there would be some legal ramifications to that. Let's just say that the Simpsons hadn't yet debuted (no wonder I was bored enough to seek out the pleasures of the flesh), and "Step by Step" by the New Kids on the Block may have been the #1 song in the country. Maybe. Anyway.... probably a year prior to The Big Event, I had discovered the Holy Grail in the upstairs of our garage - a big box, chock-full of late 70s-early 80s porno mags that had apparently belonged to my father and/or grandfather. My mom wasn't around much, so I had a LOT of time to myself, much of which involved sneaking off into the woods with my very favorite issues. (All I did in the woods was sit on a log and gape at the pictures - so innocent was I.) In time I would become emboldened, hiding the best of the best (or maybe it was just whatever was on the top of the stack, I can't say for sure) underneath my jacket and racing up the stairs to hide them in my bedroom closet. Really I preferred the ones with a lot of stories; I remember I had this issue of Playgirl Couples that was a letters special or something. (What can I say - I always was a reader!) That one was extra handy, as it was a compact little number about the size of a TV Guide, and especially easy to conceal in case of capture. But I digress. Among the periodicals I managed to sneak into my bedroom were: The Seductive Milkmaid, a black-and-white spread about a woman who squirted breastmilk at her sexual partners (a talent with which God would later bless me as well); an early-80s Hustler, the only part of which I remember being a movie parody entitled "The Postman Always Comes Twice"; and my very most favorite, "Mixed Pairs". This was a pictorial special featuring interracial ("Mixed") girl-on-girl action ("Pairs"). I was so hot for every naked lady in that book. SO HOT.


Let me preface this by saying that I have ALWAYS loved naked ladies. Truthfully, I have no idea how I ended up (semi-)heterosexual, as I never had ANY interest in the men in my naughty books. I honestly wasn't even sure what their role exactly was. (I would later be molested, coerced, and date raped - I am glad I had these first sexual experiences on my OWN terms, otherwise I am convinced I would be even more of a nutcase than I am today.) One of the first dreams I can ever remember having, back in the days when I played with Strawberry Shortcakes and "Every Breath You Take" by The Police made me scared to fall asleep, was me being in a barn, and all these identical ladies were lined up in a row, dressed as cowgirls in fringey satin shirts (white with navy blue fringe, just like one that I had, except I didn't tie mine under my boobs, because I didn't have any). The girls all had HUGE boobs, and big blonde hairdos, and a piece of paper with a number written on it was attached to every one's shirt. One by one, they came up to me and flashed their giant breasts, and I was supposed to be the judge or something. Man, that was a good dream. Anyway. I remember having a girl friend around that time who used to play what we called "woo-woo" with me. "Woo-woo" was when we took off all our clothes, climbed into my bedroom closet, shut the sliding door, and laid together and "kissed" like in the movies. (Imagine opening your mouth as wide as you can, and doing a fish-mouth thing to the person next to you. That's it! "Kissing"!) Whoever was the "boy" got to be on top, and let me tell you, I was almost always the girl. Even then I was the sub! A few years later I had another girl friend who was two years older chronologically, but in my same grade in school. She also helped to guide me down the Sapphic Path, but I honestly can't remember if that was before or after The Big Event. And then there was the friend a few years later who laid on the bed with me and read the naughty novelThe Virgin's Sex Holiday,which I found in my grandfather's chair, cover to cover in one night. Jeez, am I STILL talking? Let's get to the good part.


It was a hot summer night. No, really. I don't have any idea where my mom was at. She wasn't home, I know that. I probably spent my evening the usual way - drawing, writing stories, watching Dr. Ruth and the Home Shopping Channel... I'm pretty sure I took an evening walk. At some point I decided to come indoors and chill with my favorite naked ladies - the girls of Mixed Pairs. I was flipping through, getting that funny feeling, you know how it is. I had been kinda-sorta figuring out the whole masturbation thing for a couple of years, but I never did anything that involved removing clothing or targeting a specific area of the body - always more of a rocking-on-the-floor or rubbing-to-sleep kind of thing. Well, on this particular night, the Mixed Pairs girls were getting me VERY throbby, to the point of sheer pain almost. The rocking wasn't working, the rubbing wasn't helping, and I was feeling mighty curious. Long story short, I figured out what I was supposed to do. It felt good, good, gooooood......... and all of a sudden, it felt SO GOOD. I BLACKED OUT, and SAW STARS, and couldn't breathe!! I thought I was going to die!! I thought I DID die!! I was completely astounded, and probably sat there numb and buzzing for a good two minutes. My big-boobed blonde dream woman and her Asian friend stared up at me from the page, and I stared back, certain that I had discovered the secret of the universe. Later in life, I would learn that that was called an orgasm, and that everyone (well, if they are lucky) has them. But for that brief moment, I thought I had been touched by God. Thank you, publishers of cheesy 70s porn, whoever left that box in our garage, and most of all, lovely ladies of Mixed Pairs. I owe you big.


**A few things I forgot to mention:**

1. I also had this EXACT magazine, and I plan to bid on it tonight. I'm looking forward to the challenge of re-creating My First Porno Stash.

2. The Magnificent Box O'Porn turned up missing after my mother and her second husband split up. Apparently he felt he needed to get SOMETHING out of the relationship. The BASTID. If I had known he was going to do that, I'd have taken the whole damn BOX up to my bedroom. I'm sure no one would have noticed anyway.

3. As for *my* delicious selections, I was forced to throw them away at the age of 18, when I abruptly moved out of my abusive household, and in with my future husband and his good Christian parents. I couldn't have them thinking I was a dirty girl, now could I? (Wow, I wanked to the same mags for a good seven years.... I guess I really DID love those ladies!)

4. The Seductive Milkmaid, if I correctly recall, actually had some photos CUT OUT of it, making the story a bit difficult to follow. Kinda nasty when you think about it now. Where DID those pictures go? I'm not sure I want to know.....