I will now purge my soul of the embarassment I should feel after watching the *two-hour* finale of American Idol, but do not.

Ruben (the fat black guy) so deserved to win. He really is an amazing singer, like, Aaron Neville style or something. Barry White. Marvin Gaye! That doesn't mean, though, that I don't want to see Clay Aiken yanking it on a gay porn website - which, thankfully, is far more likely to happen now that he's lost the competition. Man, is that boy ever cute, in an injured-baby-bird sort of way. You know what a sucker I am for closeted homosexuals, and Clay has it all - tall, skinny, pointy hair, and - MOTHER OF GOD - freckles. If it wasn't for that wonky eye, he'd be the new Jesus. Oh, who am I kidding... even WITH the skanky eye, as long as he washes all the fecal matter off the peen first, I'll fellate him until the world explodes. Oh, right, we're NOT talking about my sexual fantasies here. Riiiiight.

Now. I did not follow this season of American Idol by any means. I am morally opposed to anything that everyone else in Rural Ohio loves so much. I happily ignored the whole thing last year. But three weeks ago, I was laid up in bed with the morning sickness when the only channels that would come in on my non-cable-equipped bedroom television ($9.95 a month for an extra receiver? So I can watch South Park on a 13 inch TV? BLOW me, Adelphia) were FOX and that religious show with the pink haired lady. I was completely mesmerized by the fact that a pasty, lazy-eyed closet case had made it into the "final four" (okay, so the only part that shocked me was the lazy eye - we all remember 'Nsync). Of course, I was twice as shocked to see that one of the other finalists was the hulking heart attack of a homie that I'd laughed at months before as I channel-surfed past a preliminary round of American Idol. "HAHAHA," I said, "LOOK AT THE POOR FAT GUY. HE'S GOING TO GET VOTED OFF BECAUSE AMERICA HATES FAT PEOPLE!" (Or at least, Gwen does. No, really.) So anyway. I realized at that point that I SHOULD have been watching American Idol all this time, as it contains elements of all there is to love, including:
* making fun of everyone!
* high-school show-choir style singing!
* homosexuals!
* commercials for Taco Bell!
And now, to continue in the bulleted-list vein, here are some things that bothered me about American Idol:
* his name sounds like Ruben STUTTERED! HAHAHAHAHA
* Ruben (Stuttered) reminds me of this oil lamp my gramma used to have hanging in the living room. It had a statue of a Grecian Goddess in the middle, and when you filled the lamp with oil, it poured in beady droplets down these plastic wires all around the lamp. This guy is sweating GALLONS just fucking standing there, and it's ten times worse when they make him wear long sleeves. Anyone wanna wager on how long till his heart gives out? I give it a week tops.
* I don't care what anyone says, that fucking black chick couldn't sing.
* However, that other black chick who was on tonight, but apparently got voted off at some point before I started watching, COULD sing.
* Why did Ruben have to sing "Flying Without Wings" THREE times tonight?! For the love of mother mercy.
* And who the hell is doing these arrangements? Since when is "Bridge Over Troubled Water" performed by the Church of Merry Twinkling Elves?
* Gay Gayken sang "Hello" by Lionel Richie!! I have loved that song ever since I saw the video where he gets the blind chick to touch his Johnson by telling her it's a Ball Park Frank. Then they both dance on the ceiling.

I can assure you that I will NOT be making the same mistake with the upcoming "American Juniors" (which seems to me like it would have been more properly entitled "Junior Idol", but I suspect that's neither here nor there.) I want to see that haggard little wench singing "CAUSE I'M YOUUURRRR LAYYYYYYDAYYYYYYYYY" get a record contract. She'll be the next Raven-Symone.

P.S. I feel I was very fortunate to start watching when I did, as it made the Saturday Night Live parody seem fucking hilarious.