ten reasons why you would do well to have me as a friend

1. I make a mean chicken soup. It's spicy, but not too spicy. Not too salty, either. And there are no unidentifiable "chicken" parts (a la Campbell's) in it either. Just pure, noodley goodness. Plus, you can have iced tea or grape juice with it. Or skim milk. Your choice!

2. I make good chocolate chip cookies, too. John will tell you that they always dry out when I make the from scratch, but that's only because he doesn't put them away like I asked. He still claims that they are so good that I must be putting some kind of narcotic in them, so who cares if they're a little crunchy, anyway?

3. Ladies, there's a good chance that I'm fatter than you. This means that you will always get the first pick of the guys who might come our way. Plus, when we go shopping together, you will feel SO good about yourself. Especially if we go to Aeropostale, because their clothes run so big that *I* can buy a 7 on my FATTEST days. So you'll probably only need a 3, my little sexy one!!

4. Being fat means I have BIG BOOBS! This one's good for the guys and girls alike. Gents, you may have a gander at my chesties as we talk of love and beer. And my girlies? The generous tatas will be a blessing for you as well, as the guys at the mall will stare at them, look up at my four-eyed, Bert-browed moon face, and immediately avert their gaze to the beauty walking next to me. Because every ugly chick has a pretty friend, right?

5. I'm kinda slutty. Do you need some lovin'? One of my favorite things to do with guy friends is pretend we're LUVAHS in public. If you need someone to play games with your heart, I'm your man. Or woman. Whichever you prefer. I'll also do the naughtiest things, and you don't even have to get me drunk. I'LL JUST PRETEND I AM!! :D!

6. I like to buy people's friendship. Ask John - when I came home from my most recent ($250) shopping trip with several bags full of stuff for him, I said, "You probably thought I bought six bags of clothes for myself, didn't you?" To which he replied, "Not really, I figured it was the usual - some for you, some for me, some for Tristan, some for babies we haven't had yet, some for Julia (my friend's baby), some for your cousin, some for people we don't know...." It's funny because it's true. Even my internet friends get good stuff for Christmas. Please like me. I am begging you.

7. My house is a total mess. Once again, you will feel SO much better about yourself after a few hours with me. Is there week old gelatin on your floor? When your cat tracks a turd across the floor, do you just let it lay there for a day or two? (Okay, I don't either, but ONLY because I have a toddler who thinks everything is food. Including - no, ESPECIALLY - poo.)

8. I will pee on your cereal for $100. Actually, I'd pee *anywhere you asked me to* for $100.

9. I love to listen to people's problems. Want to whine about the marriage proposal you've been waiting on for two years? Need to bitch about your parents, and how they "just don't understand"? I'm a licensed adviceologist* with over 10 years experience. Call me now for your free readin'!

10. I'm always up. Do you SEE what time it is? And I'm online. Don't you wish you had someone to talk to at 4:30 am?? I could be that someone. No. I AM that someone. You know you want it. IM me now!


* License not valid in any of the fifty United States, Puerto Rico, Guam, Venezuela, Antarctica, Greenland, Spain, or the Lesser Antilles. By contacting the adviceologist you declare that she will not be held liable for any horrid misfortunes that may befall you as a result of heeding her recommendations. Services available only where permitted by law. If you or anyone in your immediate family has ever ridden in a hot air balloon, you may be entitled to a free piece of gravel from my driveway. Some restrictions apply. Void where prohibited.