Monday, March 31, 2003


Dave made me this awesome banner. The question is: Where should I put it? **

You know, I think you could even put it on your own blog, with a link to me, if you like. I can use the advertising.

**Note: Because it is an animated gif file and not, in fact, a tangible thing, I regret that I cannot put it in the place that you are thinking. You dirty bird.


Is Lauren the cutest sweetie pie, or the sweetest cutie pie?

I love having a new friend.


There is some kind of bird or bug chirping outside that sounds *exactly* like a god damn cell phone ringing. It is all I can do to keep from feeling myself up and going, "Is that me? Is that me?"

Saturday, March 29, 2003


I hung out with Lauren. And I have the pictures to prove it.

Friday, March 21, 2003

identical hand twins

Okay, so not actually identical. And not actually hand, either. But look!! I was googling my kid's name today (as I do from time to time, 'cause I'm a total weirdo) and came across this fine gent who shares the same first and last with my little guy.He's an ARTIST, he's in college, he's even pretty cute, and YES, he's CANADIAN!! You know how I loves me some Canucks, eh? Ehhhh.

It seems that The Other Tristan Bentley was doing a little sleuthing of his own, and found yet ANOTHER of their kind on an Alabama middle school's honor roll. This Tristan, though, is a GIRL!! That's right. Tristan Denise Bentley. But that's not the most interesting thing to be found within this list - I got a real kick out of reading all of these poor children's names. (Before we continue, I must note that I am a HARDCORE NAME NERD. I think about baby names ALL DAY LONG, EVERY DAY.) I consider myself a connoisseur of names, and I can also spell connoisseur without looking it up. Aren't you proud of me? Anyway, I've gathered them into faux-pas categories for your chuckling pleasure:

"No one will ever use the middle name anyway, right?"

McKenzie Helen Rice

Tristan Hawk Arnett

Dorothy Madison Jones (I think this is a case of "We'll just call her by her middle name")

Jarrett Hugh Bentley (I assume this is Girl Tristan's little brother)

Joshua Dale Swanson (Dale?)

Colin Jerry Gaines (Jerry?)

Kaylyn Claruece Williams (What's a vtoooomsh?)

"Are you a boy or a girl?"

Jordan Kyle Morgan

Taylor Reid Parton

Jordam Perry (Jordam?)

Dakota Blake Clark

Joey Dee Rollins (also falls under "You named that baby WHAT?!?!" I mean, Hello? Joey Dee?)

Austin Piper Walker (I never thought of Austin as a girl's name, but no one uses Piper for a boy, do they?)

Alliston Casey Maddox (Alliston? Hmmm.... I kind of *like* that!)

"Future Strippers of America"

Rebecca Star Smith

Pebbles Nkkia Brown

Destiny Brooke Hamm

Savannah Rae Draper (I actually *suggested* that my friend name her daughter Savannah. Thank God she didn't listen.)

Angel McKayla Goodman (because all girls named Angel turn out to be sooo slutty)

"You named that baby WHAT?!?"

Prairie Rose Oliver (This also falls under "Future Strippers of America." And "Names for Muppets."

Bronte Mattise Pruitt (Clearly, this momma fancied herself cultured)(though I must admit, I actually LOVE this)

Statlin David Ponder (What the hell is a Statlin?)

Jesse Ray Payne (Well, it IS Alabama...*banjos play in the distance*)

Kaleb Bain Yancy (McBain?)

Cartrite Aubrey Williams (Also falls under "Are you a boy or a girl?")

Sarahlane Davina Gaines (Sarahlane? Hello, I'm Tinaavenue. And this here's Johnboulevard.)

Sunnie Roxanne Norris ( case she doesn't like Sunnie, let's give her a normal middle name. Nah, let's not and say we did.)

And here are a few more to which I wanted to call attention, but they didn't really fit in any of the categories:

Heather Danielle Sprayberry (This name makes me picture a rock-video slut getting sprayed with a hose)

Abby Pullen Clark (Perhaps Clark should get his lazy ass up and walk)

Meagan Danielle Sigala Nance (I recommend that you do not put anything in your child's name that sounds even remotely like a deadly bacterium)

Tamonyqua La’vennya Brown (I'm trying not to make fun of the "ethnic" names on the list, but I couldn't pronounce this if you paid me.)

Kallie Ragon Bible (That Kallie is ALWAYS raggin' on the Bible)

Eric Dillon Gay (If your last name is Gay, for heaven's sake, CHANGE IT!!)

Vinton Cody Sprayberry (You named that baby WHAT?!)

William Richard Morehead (I really, REALLY hope this kid goes by "Dick")

So, I just spent a great deal of time poking fun at the names of these innocent little children. Yep, yep. I'm definitely going to hell.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

po' wahtrash

I was just looking over the week's receipts when I came across this announcement: ''Design your engagement ring at!'' Isn't that so classy?

In related news: Today on Jerry Springer, a newly-outed pair of trailer park lesbians decided to - what else - get nekked and rub boobies together. The twist? One of them was wearing granny panties. (I wanted to show you the actual picture, but apparently you have to join the Jerry Springer Fan Club to see it, and that costs $9.95. A MONTH. What. the. fuck.) Now honestly, folks... if you *knew* you were going to be on a television show where 95% of the guests remove at least *some* of their clothing, wouldn't you wear some less embarassing underthings? And what self-respecting, non-post-partum 21-year-old wears granny panties anyway? (Oh wait, did I just use "self-respecting" and "Jerry Springer guest" in the same paragraph? What WAS I thinking?)

ten reasons why you would do well to have me as a friend

1. I make a mean chicken soup. It's spicy, but not too spicy. Not too salty, either. And there are no unidentifiable "chicken" parts (a la Campbell's) in it either. Just pure, noodley goodness. Plus, you can have iced tea or grape juice with it. Or skim milk. Your choice!

2. I make good chocolate chip cookies, too. John will tell you that they always dry out when I make the from scratch, but that's only because he doesn't put them away like I asked. He still claims that they are so good that I must be putting some kind of narcotic in them, so who cares if they're a little crunchy, anyway?

3. Ladies, there's a good chance that I'm fatter than you. This means that you will always get the first pick of the guys who might come our way. Plus, when we go shopping together, you will feel SO good about yourself. Especially if we go to Aeropostale, because their clothes run so big that *I* can buy a 7 on my FATTEST days. So you'll probably only need a 3, my little sexy one!!

4. Being fat means I have BIG BOOBS! This one's good for the guys and girls alike. Gents, you may have a gander at my chesties as we talk of love and beer. And my girlies? The generous tatas will be a blessing for you as well, as the guys at the mall will stare at them, look up at my four-eyed, Bert-browed moon face, and immediately avert their gaze to the beauty walking next to me. Because every ugly chick has a pretty friend, right?

5. I'm kinda slutty. Do you need some lovin'? One of my favorite things to do with guy friends is pretend we're LUVAHS in public. If you need someone to play games with your heart, I'm your man. Or woman. Whichever you prefer. I'll also do the naughtiest things, and you don't even have to get me drunk. I'LL JUST PRETEND I AM!! :D!

6. I like to buy people's friendship. Ask John - when I came home from my most recent ($250) shopping trip with several bags full of stuff for him, I said, "You probably thought I bought six bags of clothes for myself, didn't you?" To which he replied, "Not really, I figured it was the usual - some for you, some for me, some for Tristan, some for babies we haven't had yet, some for Julia (my friend's baby), some for your cousin, some for people we don't know...." It's funny because it's true. Even my internet friends get good stuff for Christmas. Please like me. I am begging you.

7. My house is a total mess. Once again, you will feel SO much better about yourself after a few hours with me. Is there week old gelatin on your floor? When your cat tracks a turd across the floor, do you just let it lay there for a day or two? (Okay, I don't either, but ONLY because I have a toddler who thinks everything is food. Including - no, ESPECIALLY - poo.)

8. I will pee on your cereal for $100. Actually, I'd pee *anywhere you asked me to* for $100.

9. I love to listen to people's problems. Want to whine about the marriage proposal you've been waiting on for two years? Need to bitch about your parents, and how they "just don't understand"? I'm a licensed adviceologist* with over 10 years experience. Call me now for your free readin'!

10. I'm always up. Do you SEE what time it is? And I'm online. Don't you wish you had someone to talk to at 4:30 am?? I could be that someone. No. I AM that someone. You know you want it. IM me now!

* License not valid in any of the fifty United States, Puerto Rico, Guam, Venezuela, Antarctica, Greenland, Spain, or the Lesser Antilles. By contacting the adviceologist you declare that she will not be held liable for any horrid misfortunes that may befall you as a result of heeding her recommendations. Services available only where permitted by law. If you or anyone in your immediate family has ever ridden in a hot air balloon, you may be entitled to a free piece of gravel from my driveway. Some restrictions apply. Void where prohibited.

Saturday, March 15, 2003

the secret life of chicken mcnuggets

I've been having a kick-ass time drawin' it up with my friends on Yahoo's new Doodle Messenger. I even made a four-part comic series that I would like to share with you, shown here in its entirety:

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

male celebrities I think are hott

I am SO into guys lately. So in no particular order, I bring you my slender, foppish favorites....

1. Ethan Embry. Oh, delicious yumminess. I love everything about this guy, including the fact that he reminds me so so much of my friend Alex, who I never did get to sleep with, but still want to. They both have a lisp!! Purrrrrr........

2. John Mayer. I admit it - I've never listened to a lick of the guy's music. Apparently he's "critically acclaimed", though. Not to mention, quite a piece of eye candy.

3. Josh Duhamel. This guy used to be on my very favorite soap, All My Children, along with Hott Boy #4, Cameron Mathison. I also have some very, very tasteful (and by tasteful, I mean YUMMMMMY) nudes of him in a book that A Delicious Young Prince got me for my 21st birthday, As I See It by famed homo photog Greg Gorman. Thank you again, dear Prince!!

4. Cameron Mathison. Another AMC alum. Look at those cheekbones. Cameron was an International Male underwear model before he was on All My Children, but he's a surprisingly good actor. No, really. Ya gotta believe me.

5. Mark McGrath. While we're on the spiky-haired hottie kick, let's not forget delectable Sugar Ray frontman Mark McGrath. My god, what I would do to this guy. But he did date Carmen Electra, so I'd probably make him wear a condom. Two condoms. A tarp?

6. Jim Adkins. The singer from Jimmy Eat World. SOHOT! Ohhhh, that baby face. And the 1995 hair... hey, Jimmy, howsabout you take your lips away from that microphone for a minute and put them on my *censored*

7. Michael Stipe. It's true: I have a thing for balding, AIDS-patient looking guys. Michael Stipe has the most beautiful eyes of ever forever. When I was little, I was certain I would marry him - I had no idea he was playing for the home team. And now? Well, now I think that just makes him SO MUCH HOTTER. Because the only thing I love more than girl-on girl action, is guy-on-guy action. Oral, not anal. Mmmmmm, oral.

8. Gordon Downie. This Tragically Hip frontman is basically the Canadian Michael Stipe, though he was a lot hotter about ten years ago before he put on all that weight. But then again, so was I. I couldn't find a picture of either one of us from back then.

9. Davey Von Bohlen. Rounding out the Triad of Bald Rock Heroes is the genius behind my favorite band ever, The (now-defunct) Promise Ring. To watch Davey perform is to come in your panties. I know the pic is crappy, but it's the best I could do - Davey's on the far right, looking all mysterious. *licks lips*

10. Ryan Phillipe. I think I might be spelling his name wrong, but who cares? And I'm not sure what's up with that pic, but you all know what he looks like anyway, and I love love love him in the glasses. Love him. I first saw Ryan on One Life to Live when I was maybe 12, and he was playing The Soaps' First Ever Gay Teen. And you know what gay teens do to me.

11. Topher Grace. Topher Grace is one of my very favorite hot boys, and this is MY FAVORITE PICTURE of him. Just in case this site is a free geocities site that doesn't let you link directly to an image, here is the link to the webpage it is on. Oh my goodness, Topher Grace, please will you be my bride? I already have a husband, but it's cool. You can live under the bed.

12. Julian Casablancas. Julian sings with the Strokes. Julian's daddy owns one of the largest modeling agencies in the world. Julian needs to be naked in pictures. Someone tell Julian's daddy.

13. Alton Brown. Not only is Alton thin and balding, but he wears those stylin' emo glasses *and* he has a BUTT CHIN!! I want to stick my index finger between his chin-cheeks and tickle, tickle, tickle. Although, I *am* a little concerned about what he intends to do to me with that mixer. I hope and pray that we're only making cookies....

14. Rivers. Cuomo. Rivers has it ALL. The glasses. The eyes. The pseudo-semi-pompadour, and a facial structure that rivals the Roman Gods. My husband looks an AWFUL lot like this incarnation of Rivers Cuomo, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I'll tell you straight up: I DO NOT LIKE IT IN THE BUTT. But if Rivers asked me, I think I would let him. Oh yes. But only if you sing me "Butterfly" while we do it.

15. David Duchovny. I'm not sure what is so unnatural about him, but this was quite a lovely photo in spite of the odd caption, so I decided to go with it. I think I'm way hotter than his wife, but that's just me.

16. Craig Kilborn. OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIM IN THOSE GLASSES!!!! Super excellent thanks to A Delicious Young Prince for finding this picture for me. OH! MY! GOD! LOOK! AT! HIM! IN! THOSE! GLASSES!!!!!!!

17. Noah Wyle. Of course I love Noah on ER, but you know what I actually thought he was hottest in? Pirates of Silicon Valley. Noah must have PERFECT 20/20 vision, because I couldn't find a single pic of him in glasses. The bastid. Doesn't he know how hot they make me?

18. J. Keith Van Straaten. And for your viewing pleasure, that's my very favorite photo of him with the very hottest Girl Celeb, Lisa Loeb. So much Glasses Action. J. Keith was the SHIT on Beat The Geeks; now, Beat The Geeks is just, well, SHIT.

19. Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy is SO HOT, ESPECIALLY in his glasses. I couldn't find a single decent glasses pic, though. If you have one, let me know. I might even pay you. Seriously.

20. SPECIAL CLASSIC HOTTIE: Gordon Gano, circa 1982. I wouldn't touch this creep with a 59 1/2 foot pole now, but when their self-titled album was released, Gordon was so scrumptiously fey. I can just picture him, scribbling the lyrics to "Please Do Not Go" in his Mead Classic notebook, then double-fisting his johnson under the covers. Which would later beget everyone's favorite party tune (groan), "Blister in the Sun."

So there we have it. Twenty hot guys. I'd give you more, but damn, am I ever tired of typing this. Rock on.

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

mmm mmm good

Bake the cookies? Eat the dough. No, bake the cookies. Wait... eat the dough?

And so goes the dilemma of millions of Americans. Who can ever decide on the best method for conquering one of those delectable rolls of refrigerated cookie dough? They're only big enough to do one or the other - if you eat just a few raw spoonfuls, there isn't enough left over for more than a dozen baked treats, which leads many a husband to ask, "What happened to all the cookies?" (To which the correct reply is, undoubtedly, "Jesus, John, how many did you eat? I told you not to take the whole container in there while you were watching Deuce Bigalow. And just how many beers have you had, anyway?!") Well, I am happy to announce that we can fret no more. There's a new dough in town, and I think you're gonna like it.

One of our favorite songs around here is "Mabel" by the SoCal punk band Goldfinger. It has a lyric that goes a little like this:

then on Tuesday, Mabel left me
I heard she's goin' out with Charlie
She saw his package, from what I know she said:

Well, let me tell you, if I met a guy who was hung like Pillsbury Family Size Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, I would run screaming in the other direction. This roll is SO BIG!!! Remember the scene in Pump Up The Volume where Christian Slater asks the girl, "Is it bigger than a baby's arm?" Well, this mofo is bigger than the whole damn baby. Here is an artist's representation of just how much dough you get in a tube of Pillsbury Family Size:

There is enough cookie dough here (TWO WHOLE POUNDS!!) to feed a family of Ethiopians for a whole month. Or, you can screw the starving bastards - after all, THEY'RE the ones who are dumb enough to keep making AIDS babies every time the flies eat the last one - and do like I do: One for me, one for the oven. Two for me, one for the oven. God, I love America.

**NOTE: Though Pillsbury clearly states that they do NOT recommend eating any raw cookie dough, they also divulge that their packaged doughs are made with dry, pasteurized eggs, which EVERY dough connoisseur knows were created specifically for raw-dough deliciousness. Besides, the shit keeps in the fridge for AT LEAST three months - I'm sure all those preservatives are keeping the E. Coli at bay.

Saturday, March 08, 2003

my best friend

Not too many people know this, but my very best friend is none other than the amazing Sheepy. It is with a joyful heart that I now will sing his praises.

My first encounter with Sheepy took place at the boards. On the off chance that you're not one of those who are "in the loop", Ron and Fez is a radio show that airs nowhere near Ohio, where I live. I only started visiting there because another one of my VERY best friends, T.J. O'Pootertoot, was a board moderator at the time. He was always linking me to these interesting threads, and finally I just gave in and started posting. Anyway.... if you visit the boards, it is hard to miss Sheepy's posts. He's all over the place. The thing is, I couldn't understand a word he said. You see, I was not yet attuned to the beautiful prose that is Sheepy-speak. I had him pegged somewhere between blathering idiot and total spazz, when a magic moment occurred. There was a thread about shavin' the pubes, and Sheeps made a comment about "trimming back the bushes so you could see the mailbox." Needless to say, I found this HILARIOUS, and it just so happened that at the time, the (actual) bushes around my (actual) mailbox were only trimmed away on the side from which the mailman approaches. I went outside, photographed this phenomenon, and posted the results in said thread. Sheeps was delighted, we AIM'd, and thus began a rockin' palship that I never saw coming.

There are SO many things I love about Sheepy. We can (and do) talk about ANYTHING. He knows so many top-secret pieces of Tina info, I'll have to kill him if we ever break up. He's cuddly and perfect and completely fucking HILARIOUS, and here are some more random reasons why Sheepy is the best thing going these days:

He likes to visit teen help sites with me. Honestly, who can get enough masturbation pointers (pun intentional)? Not me and Sheeps. He is always willing to giggle with me about things like the five stages of pubic hair development. And many teens seem to need someone to answer the question, "Am I Gay?" To which the answer, in most cases, clearly is a resounding YES.

He'll read enema porn stories with me, too. I'm sure your first question would be, "Tina, why the $#%( are you looking at enema porn, anyway?" You see, some naughty Korean was brought to my site from the query "Rub my tummy you're so good to me says toy". Now, I personally have NO idea what this means, but I just *had* to do a search to see just how many pages of results a person would click through before they found Let's Get Milk-Faced. I never did find out, though, 'cause I was sidetracked by this story. Come ON, people - if you saw something labeled, you'd click too. Don't lie. But I digress. Sheepy and I are now forever corrupted (even more than before), as together we happened upon the filthiest thing ever written. And read it. All. For research purposes only, I can assure you.

Sheepy understands everything I say. If I said to you, "This epstoo is so grovery," you wouldn't have any idea what the hell I was talking about. But Sheepy would.

He's ALWAYS there. Whenever I am sick or sad or lonely or suicidal or happy and want to joke, my Sheep is nearby. We know all 15 of each other's secret AIM names. (Sometimes, I AM online. I'm just HIDING from you. But not Sheepy. Hells no. So NYAH.)

Sheepy likes music. Sometimes we don't like the same stuff, but he is always willing to try out my recommendations. Plus, he doesn't make fun of me for liking Jimmy Eat World. Oh wait..... YES HE DOES. But that's okay. I deserve it. For liking Jimmy Eat World. Did I mention he likes Sean Lennon? Fabulous. Simply fabulous.

Sheepy likes kids. And not in a dirty way. Sheepy lets me show off EVERY PICTURE I take of my darling little Tristan Elijah, and even tells me how nice he looks, even if he really doesn't. Plus he'll tolerate all my pictures of Cabbage Patch Dolls!

Sheepy is a nice guy. He doesn't curse or say dirty things. He doesn't have to!! He is funny as fuck (I *do* have to curse) without resorting to the lowest-common-denominator thing. Have you SEEN his blog?

There are LOTS AND LOTS of other reasons why I am Sheepy's #1 fan, but I either can't think of them right now, or am bound not to reveal them by penalty of death. 'Cause that's what friends do - keep each other's embarassing secrets. And if my SECRETS are more embarassing than what I've already revealed on this page, you can only imagine what must be contained therein....

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

my first orgasm

Well, THAT certainly got your attention, didn't it? Today, I want to talk about my first orgasm. I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, you see.

I won't mention how old I was when this all took place, as I am certain there would be some legal ramifications to that. Let's just say that the Simpsons hadn't yet debuted (no wonder I was bored enough to seek out the pleasures of the flesh), and "Step by Step" by the New Kids on the Block may have been the #1 song in the country. Maybe. Anyway.... probably a year prior to The Big Event, I had discovered the Holy Grail in the upstairs of our garage - a big box, chock-full of late 70s-early 80s porno mags that had apparently belonged to my father and/or grandfather. My mom wasn't around much, so I had a LOT of time to myself, much of which involved sneaking off into the woods with my very favorite issues. (All I did in the woods was sit on a log and gape at the pictures - so innocent was I.) In time I would become emboldened, hiding the best of the best (or maybe it was just whatever was on the top of the stack, I can't say for sure) underneath my jacket and racing up the stairs to hide them in my bedroom closet. Really I preferred the ones with a lot of stories; I remember I had this issue of Playgirl Couples that was a letters special or something. (What can I say - I always was a reader!) That one was extra handy, as it was a compact little number about the size of a TV Guide, and especially easy to conceal in case of capture. But I digress. Among the periodicals I managed to sneak into my bedroom were: The Seductive Milkmaid, a black-and-white spread about a woman who squirted breastmilk at her sexual partners (a talent with which God would later bless me as well); an early-80s Hustler, the only part of which I remember being a movie parody entitled "The Postman Always Comes Twice"; and my very most favorite, "Mixed Pairs". This was a pictorial special featuring interracial ("Mixed") girl-on-girl action ("Pairs"). I was so hot for every naked lady in that book. SO HOT.

Let me preface this by saying that I have ALWAYS loved naked ladies. Truthfully, I have no idea how I ended up (semi-)heterosexual, as I never had ANY interest in the men in my naughty books. I honestly wasn't even sure what their role exactly was. (I would later be molested, coerced, and date raped - I am glad I had these first sexual experiences on my OWN terms, otherwise I am convinced I would be even more of a nutcase than I am today.) One of the first dreams I can ever remember having, back in the days when I played with Strawberry Shortcakes and "Every Breath You Take" by The Police made me scared to fall asleep, was me being in a barn, and all these identical ladies were lined up in a row, dressed as cowgirls in fringey satin shirts (white with navy blue fringe, just like one that I had, except I didn't tie mine under my boobs, because I didn't have any). The girls all had HUGE boobs, and big blonde hairdos, and a piece of paper with a number written on it was attached to every one's shirt. One by one, they came up to me and flashed their giant breasts, and I was supposed to be the judge or something. Man, that was a good dream. Anyway. I remember having a girl friend around that time who used to play what we called "woo-woo" with me. "Woo-woo" was when we took off all our clothes, climbed into my bedroom closet, shut the sliding door, and laid together and "kissed" like in the movies. (Imagine opening your mouth as wide as you can, and doing a fish-mouth thing to the person next to you. That's it! "Kissing"!) Whoever was the "boy" got to be on top, and let me tell you, I was almost always the girl. Even then I was the sub! A few years later I had another girl friend who was two years older chronologically, but in my same grade in school. She also helped to guide me down the Sapphic Path, but I honestly can't remember if that was before or after The Big Event. And then there was the friend a few years later who laid on the bed with me and read the naughty novelThe Virgin's Sex Holiday,which I found in my grandfather's chair, cover to cover in one night. Jeez, am I STILL talking? Let's get to the good part.

It was a hot summer night. No, really. I don't have any idea where my mom was at. She wasn't home, I know that. I probably spent my evening the usual way - drawing, writing stories, watching Dr. Ruth and the Home Shopping Channel... I'm pretty sure I took an evening walk. At some point I decided to come indoors and chill with my favorite naked ladies - the girls of Mixed Pairs. I was flipping through, getting that funny feeling, you know how it is. I had been kinda-sorta figuring out the whole masturbation thing for a couple of years, but I never did anything that involved removing clothing or targeting a specific area of the body - always more of a rocking-on-the-floor or rubbing-to-sleep kind of thing. Well, on this particular night, the Mixed Pairs girls were getting me VERY throbby, to the point of sheer pain almost. The rocking wasn't working, the rubbing wasn't helping, and I was feeling mighty curious. Long story short, I figured out what I was supposed to do. It felt good, good, gooooood......... and all of a sudden, it felt SO GOOD. I BLACKED OUT, and SAW STARS, and couldn't breathe!! I thought I was going to die!! I thought I DID die!! I was completely astounded, and probably sat there numb and buzzing for a good two minutes. My big-boobed blonde dream woman and her Asian friend stared up at me from the page, and I stared back, certain that I had discovered the secret of the universe. Later in life, I would learn that that was called an orgasm, and that everyone (well, if they are lucky) has them. But for that brief moment, I thought I had been touched by God. Thank you, publishers of cheesy 70s porn, whoever left that box in our garage, and most of all, lovely ladies of Mixed Pairs. I owe you big.

**A few things I forgot to mention:**

1. I also had this EXACT magazine, and I plan to bid on it tonight. I'm looking forward to the challenge of re-creating My First Porno Stash.

2. The Magnificent Box O'Porn turned up missing after my mother and her second husband split up. Apparently he felt he needed to get SOMETHING out of the relationship. The BASTID. If I had known he was going to do that, I'd have taken the whole damn BOX up to my bedroom. I'm sure no one would have noticed anyway.

3. As for *my* delicious selections, I was forced to throw them away at the age of 18, when I abruptly moved out of my abusive household, and in with my future husband and his good Christian parents. I couldn't have them thinking I was a dirty girl, now could I? (Wow, I wanked to the same mags for a good seven years.... I guess I really DID love those ladies!)

4. The Seductive Milkmaid, if I correctly recall, actually had some photos CUT OUT of it, making the story a bit difficult to follow. Kinda nasty when you think about it now. Where DID those pictures go? I'm not sure I want to know.....

Sunday, March 02, 2003


I realize that my last post was LAME! to the core. For this I apologize. I really don't even have anything to talk about today, but I noticed that NO ONE in my little circle has been blogging the past few days, so I feel somewhat obligated to say, well, something. OOGA BOOGA! There.

So..... what have I been up to the past week......? Slacking off. Sleeping. Exercising. Avoiding social situations. My gramma fell and broke her arm and stuff again. My kid was super cranky today. I'm so boring. :(

On the up side, though, you can now buy me stuff from my wishlist, or listen to my ("my") radio station ("radio station") at Just use the links to your left there. Apparently, the Launch thing only works sometimes. But if you hit it on a good day you can hear lots of Promise Ring. And who doesn't love Promise Ring, right?? I know I do.